4 Reasons We Need Masturbation Education
I am a sex educator and sex researcher. I talk about, write about, and think about sex pretty much all of the time. Since I was about 14 years old, I wanted to know everything about sex. In fact, at the age of 15 I thought I did know everything about sex.
As a teen I read the Savage Love column every week! I listened to a sex call-in show on the radio night after night. I read Cosmo every month! I certainly knew a whole lot of facts, and had heard a whole lot of stories. I thought that was the same as knowing all about sex.
Of course, I didn’t know how much I didn’t know. And what I definitely didn’t know was how to masturbate. In fact, I don’t think I even figured out how women masturbated until I was in my later teens. How is it possible that I consumed everything form of media I could find about sex, and managed to never learn about female masturbation?! Or at least not in a way that stuck with me or led me to try it.
When I was 19, I lived with a 23 year old male friend, Todd. He was also my assistant stage manager in a community theatre production. Like me, Todd was interested in and open to talking about sex, so we talked about it a lot. When he found out I had never had an orgasm, he was horrified. To rectify the situation, he bought me a cheap plastic vibrator for my birthday, which he gifted to me in front of everyone at a play rehearsal one night!
That cheap, weak vibrator did not work for me. At all. Like, not even close. I did eventually figure out how to have an orgasm with a partner, but it took me years before I figured out how to do it for myself. And it took a few more years until I found a vibrator that actually worked for me and could reduce the manual labour!
I am oddly ashamed of my lack of masturbation as a young person, which is probably the opposite of many people who experience shame because of their masturbation. I feel like I have less street cred as a sex positive person because of it. Of course, I know that’s not actually true; sex positivity is an attitude and is not defined by my personal sexual experiences.
In order to prevent others from experiencing shame about masturbation, either for doing it or not doing it, I really think we should be teaching teenagers about masturbation. Sure, they might learn about it from watching TV, movies, or porn, but to enhance solo sex experiences, we need open dialogue about it.
Here are 4 reasons we need masturbation education
1. It’s the safest sex
There is no safer way to experience sexual pleasure than to have sex with yourself. Although there is a long history of religions and “experts” trying to tell people that masturbation is harmful, there is no evidence that masturbation itself causes harm. (Like anything that feels good, there is a possibility for masturbation to get out of control for some people, but that is rare).
Masturbation allows you to experience pleasure with no risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections, and, if done discreetly, no risk of judgment from others. It allows you to explore fantasies in a safe way, too. You can imagine anything and learn what turns you on in the privacy of your own brain.
If it were truly a goal to make sex safer, as opposed to just controlling sexuality, we would be teaching young people about the joys of masturbation.
2. You can learn about your body
The biggest benefit about masturbation, from my perspective, is learning about your body. People with vulvas, in particular, are often raised with messages insinuating their genitals are dirty and should not be touched. Many people grow up never having touched or looked at their vulva and vagina.
Second wave feminists encouraged women to look at their vulvas with mirrors as a way of reclaiming their bodies. Popularized by the Boston Women’s Collective in the book Our Bodies, Ourselves, the practice of looking at and touching your vulva, vagina, and cervix (if you buy a speculum) is still encouraged solo or in group classes. You can also find instructions and information on the Our Bodies, Ourselves website.
Of course, looking at your vulva or vagina is not masturbation, but it is a step toward learning about your body. Masturbation can help you learn how you like your clitoris to be touched, whether you prefer penetration or no penetration when you orgasm, and help identify other erogenous zones on your body. Learning how to pleasure yourself can be liberating and part of self-care. Looking at penises is, of course, much easier. Penises are just always there, easy to access with visibly obvious changes that occur when they are aroused. People with penises are usually comfortable touching them, since they have to touch them every time they pee. Touching of penises is more normalized, and masturbation is more easily stumbled upon for penis-havers.
The same concepts apply, though. It’s important to learn how your body works, what you like, what you don’t like, and how great it can feel to pleasure yourself. There are so many tropes about teen boys masturbating constantly, but maybe they are the ones that have it right! Why aren’t we all spending our days basking in pleasure?
3. It can reduce shame
There is still so much shame around masturbation. Most of the public narrative around masturbation involves from TV and films where it is either the butt of a joke or is somehow involved in someone being a pervert/serial killer.
Masturbation is normal and healthy. I want everyone to know that. It’s up to you to decide what is right for you, but I want to make sure you know there is nothing wrong or abnormal about masturbating.
By speaking openly and honestly about masturbation, we can help lift the shame from those who feel their masturbation is wrong. Shame is harmful and can lead us to feel isolated, which further perpetuates shame. (I discuss this in depth on my podcast episode on on shame and sexuality.) My ultimate goal as a sex educator is to reduce shame about sexuality because shame is a terrible thing to experience, and it can cause harm in so many areas of our lives.
4. You can learn to orgasm in different ways
One of Dan Savage’s mantra’s about masturbation is “vary your routine.” I also echo this statement often, although I don’t know if there is any scientific data to back it up. Savage’s suggestion is usually related to people who have a difficult time having orgasms with a partner because they spent most of their life cumming in a very specific way, which is often difficult to replicate once another person is involved.
The stories Savage discusses on his Savage Lovecast podcast are usually from men who have essentially trained themselves to masturbate with a death grip and then might not be able to have an orgasm with a vagina, mouth or anus with a partner. I think it is beneficial to vary your routine for this reason, but also because it is another facet of sexual exploration for yourself.
Once you have mastered masturbation, I encourage you to keep exploring different ways to get to orgasm. If you usually go really fast, try slowing it down. If you usually masturbate lying flat on your back, try a different position. If you usually just use your hand, try a toy. Really any variation on any of your usual routines can be fun.
Conclusion
I can imagine some of you are squirming at the thought of discussing masturbation more openly and directly. I think the benefits outweigh the discomfort, though. And, the more we talk about it, the less discomfort there will be! I think there are so many benefits to masturbation and masturbation education. Self-discovery and self-pleasure are definitely a big component of it, but I also think that it can improve your sex life overall, both solo and partnered. If you learn how to pleasure yourself and also want to have sex with other people, you can teach partners how you like to be pleasured. It’s an all-around win.