The Most Common Question People Have About Sex: Am I Normal?

Spoiler alert: The answer is probably yes.

I worked on a sexual health phone information line for three years at the beginning of my sex education journey. We got a lot of technical questions about birth control and sexually transmitted infections, but the most common non-technical question was always some variation of “Am I normal?”

Sex is everywhere. It’s in movies and TV. It’s in ads on billboards, magazines, and online. It’s definitely in porn that we can access at the click of a button. While representations of sex are everywhere, actual sex happens privately. We do not have access open, honest information and conversations about sex.

When we pair omnipresent sexualized imagery with the terrible sex education most of us receive, we have a recipe for confusion and shame about sexuality. In Canada, we don’t have as much of a concerted effort to create shame and disinformation around sex as in the U.S., but our sex education is still inadequate in most places. 

Without information about sex readily available, the result is masses of people thinking their bodies, sexual desire, or sexual activities are not normal. This, in turn, can lead to suppressing sexual desires, hiding sexual behavior, and feeling broken because our bodies do not look or behave the way we think they should. All of these outcomes can result in shame and stress. 

Am I Normal?

Yes. 

Statistically, there are some things that more people are into than others. But, in my anecdotal experience, I think, statistically, most people have at least some concern about being sexually abnormal. I am basing this on no actual statistics, but on almost 2 decades of experience doing sex education and research.

The most common underlying thing I hear in questions about sex is concern about normality. So, if that is something you are worried about, you are definitely normal for worrying!

Rule 34 of the internet is that if something exists, there is porn about it. I think one of the many gifts the internet has given us is the ability to discover we are not alone in our sexual interests. From the earliest days of online forums and chat rooms, there were ways to find people who were into the thing(s) you were into. No longer do you have to wonder if you are alone in your sexual interests. Other furries, masochists, or foot fetishists are just a few clicks away.

For those of us who have kinks or are the only queer person in a small town, the internet can help us find our people, but there are also more vanilla concerns that come up for many of us. Like the woman in the documentary Orgasm Inc who undergoes major surgery because she thinks she is abnormal for never having an orgasm from sexual intercourse. (Most people with vagina’s don’t regularly have orgasms from penetrative sex because our clitorises are not stimulated adequately.)  

Or the men who spend tons of money on real and bogus erection pills because their penis is not always rock hard when they want it to be. Fluctuating erections are normal, we just don’t talk about it. 

You are OK, I Promise

Even if your body or your desires or your reactions to sex are not what you think of as normal, I promise there are many others like you. Mainstream representations of sex are only a tiny fraction of what is happening in the real, private world of sex. I hope this provides some reassurance so that you can stop worrying and start enjoying the sex you are having or fantasizing about.