What Makes for Great Sex? The Answer May Surprise You!
Are you having great sex? Every year in my Human Sexuality class, I assign my students an article by Peggy Kleinplatz and colleagues called “The Components of Optimal Sexuality: A portrait of great sex.” I love this article because it flies in the face of what mainstream heteronormative media tells us great sex is. Before they read the article, I ask my students to think about what they have been taught about what great sex looks like. I get answers like orgasms, chemistry, attractiveness of partner, and penis size: all the things we are taught by media to think makes for great sex. But when we look at the data from people who claim to have had great sex, students are surprised to see how wrong they are!
Couples come to therapy all the time complaining of low desire. There is a lot of talk about how to “fix” problems with desire, but few therapists actually dig into what kind of sex people are having. Is it sex worth wanting? If not, then low desire makes sense! If I don’t really enjoy chocolate, would you think it is weird that I don’t want it very often? Of course not! So why don’t we talk about it that way with sex? I believe that most people in North America are not having great sex. So, let’s find out more about how sex can be great.
For the study of great sex, researchers advertised for people who felt they had experienced “great sex.” They specifically targeted groups of people who would have been more likely to have experience talking about and having great sex. The results are based on interviews with people in the following groups: older adults (aged 60-82) who were in long term relationships and people identifying as being in a sexual minority group (LGBT, polyamorous, and kinky). The researchers also interviewed 20 sex therapists. They asked their participants “how would you distinguish very good vs. great sex?” From questions related to this, they came up with 8 major components and 2 minor components of great sex.
The two minor components are the things that most people might think are most important: orgasms and chemistry/attraction. These two things were only mentioned by a minority of people, so they weren’t seen as major contributors to great sex. Focusing on these surface-level things in search of great sex probably won’t get you very far.
The major components that came up again and again in the interviews with people who had great sex were much more psychological, interpersonal, and spiritual. They were things like being fully present, feeling in-synch with a partner, being vulnerable and authentic, experiencing deep feelings of intimacy, and having feelings of bliss and transcendence. It is very rare that you will read about these aspects of great sex in GQ or Cosmo.
I ask again, are you having great sex? If the answer is no and you want to move towards great sex, the focus should be on figuring out what really turns you on and connecting with a partner you trust in authentic and vulnerable ways. If you try to have better sex by focusing on superficial things like the way you look, the way your partner looks, or technical skills, you are missing the main components that make for great sex. Similarly, if you try to improve your sex lives with pills or other temporary measures without talking deeply about the sex you want to be having, the chances of getting to great sex are slim. Great sex over the long term requires hard work, vulnerability, and a willingness to go deep with our partners. It can be hard to make this shift in an already established relationship, but I think it is worth the effort. I think everyone who wants it deserves great sex.
This research on great sex has grown since the publication of the article I linked above, and can now be found in a new book by Peggy Kleinplatz and Dana Menard, Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers.