Why Do We Have Sex, Anyway?

Do you have an easy answer to the question of why you have sex? Does it depend on the day? For some people this question might be really straightforward, but research shows that people have sex for a wide variety of reasons.

In sex education classes, we are taught that we have sex for reproduction. Sure, that might be its ultimate purpose, but as humans, 99.99% of the sex we have is not to make a baby. We are complex social animals with complex needs. One of my missions in life as a sex researcher and educator is to broaden our understanding of sex.

A friend of mine once confided in me that he and his wife had not had sex in over six months. Every time he brought it up to her, he ended up feeling shamed for being either a pervert or too demanding. He confessed to me that he didn’t even care about the orgasm aspect of sex. He could do that on his own. What he really missed was the emotional connection that happened during sex.

He felt silly for even saying it, and assumed that he was alone in seeking sex for emotional reasons, as opposed to physical ones. But of course he was not alone. Emotional connection is just one of the many reasons that people seek out sex. 

In fact, researchers Cindy Meston and David Buss surveyed thousands of people to come up with 237 reasons why people might have sex! Making a baby was one of the 237, but clearly there are many more motivations for sex. Here are just a few!

1. Physical pleasure

Physical pleasure is the most common motivation people give why they have sex. Sex is designed to feel good! There are so many delicious sensations: kissing, orgasms, caressing, genital stimulation.

However, so many people who were raised as girls were never told that sex should be pleasurable! The pleasure-based aspect of sex for men baked into our culture and our media, but pleasure for women is less obvious. And we certainly aren’t taught about it in sex ed. 

Not knowing that sex should feel good leads women and girls to have painful, uncomfortable sex because they are not aware it is supposed to be pleasurable for all involved. 

Everyone deserves pleasure from sex. If your sex is not pleasurable, then maybe now is time to figure out how to change that. A great place to start is Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform your Sex Life. (And Sex Ed East’s book club book for August!) Of course, if you have a history of sexual trauma, that can make things more complicated, but I promise that you, too, can have pleasurable sex.

Physical pleasure is a great aspect of partnered sex and can come from all of the activities involved in sex. It’s easy to fall into the trap of focusing on orgasm as the goal of sex. And while dogged pursuit of orgasm is good sometimes, if that is the sole focus of your sexual interactions, it can detract from the overall pleasure of sexual activity with a partner. Sometimes slowing things down and savoring the sensuality can really enhance pleasure. 

2. For the emotional connection

As my friend knew, sex is not just about physical pleasure. For many of us, it can be a source of emotional connection. We are often our most vulnerable during sex. We let down our guard and let another person see us in an intimate and raw way. 

For some of us, during and after sex might be the only place they feel comfortable showing emotion. For those of us who struggle to communicate our feelings and emotional needs, this can be a way to get reassurance that our partner loves them. 

Sex can be a source of shared joy between partners. It can also be an emotional release. Some of us cry during sex or after orgasm because of the rush of emotions. It is such a great way to connect with partners while, hopefully, tuning out the rest of the world and its stresses.

There are so many emotional aspects to sex and not just in long term relationships. Casual sex can provide an emotional connection too! 

3. For physical connection

One of the many things coronavirus has reinforced for me is the importance of physical touch. So many people on social media who were or are quarantined alone for months struggled with the lack of physical contact with others. Sometimes we don’t realize how important something is until it is gone.

We all need physical contact, whether it is hugs from friends or cuddles with lovers. Research tells us that men, in particular, do not get enough physical touch in their life. Heterosexual men, specifically, are socialized to not be physically affectionate with one another. Sex with a partner is one way that people can meet that need for physical contact and affection. 

4. For your partner’s happiness

Let’s face it, in a long term relationship, not everyone is always in the mood for sex at the same time as their partner. Sometimes we might agree to have sex because our partner really wants it. Having sex when you aren’t particularly desiring it happens in most long term relationships. 

Of course, you should never do anything sexually that you don’t want to do. I am not talking about coercive sex here. If your partner asks and you say no, then that is the end of the conversation. What I am referring to here is saying yes to having some sort of sex because you have a desire to please your partner. 

Interestingly, agreeing to have sex even when you aren’t particularly feeling it can lead to what is called “responsive desire.” This is what happens when someone feels desire after the sexual activity has started and they start to feel sexually aroused. 

Understanding what sex means for you

Most commonly, people assume the purpose of sex is physical pleasure. While that is a big part of sex, there are many other reasons why we engage in sex with a partner. And those motivations and the needs you seek to fulfill through sex can change depending on the day or the context. 

Having a better understanding of what sex means to you and what you are seeking from it can help you better assess if you are getting what you need. Identifying your individual motivations for sex can help you communicate better with your partner about your needs, lead to a more fulfilling sex life, and result in more satisfying relationships.

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